Procrastination and Avoidance, thou art mine enemy!

Ugh, as you can see, I haven't been keeping up with entries. So lazy and forgetful to tackle these personal issues. But I have been recovering from anxieties, although I've noticed that my anxiety creeps up immediately when I feel like I've failed to accomplish my tasks or when I push myself to do more. Today, during a break from games of badminton with middle school friends, I had a wondering thought when I noticed one of the badminton players resembled a classmate from my med school. I thought that you know, these med students are from Asia, FOB, more disadvantaged in terms of American cultural exposure than I am, and still they persist in wanting to be a successful and happy physician. I told myself that I'm no better or lesser than they are, so why should I fear failure? They can pass, so can I! And then one of those problems that came, conquered, and left me to wither back in med school showed its ugly face: one thing I have come to admit was, I went through school half disillusioned with studying, not really looking forward to classes, desperately looking at the clock to hit the end class time, seeing school not really a learning place but rather a life hurdle, a test of endurance. There's no doubt I had a want to learn, but that died or clouded over fatigue, stress, disillusionment due to grades. A marathon of studying, like medical school, was probably not something I could/would like to do and/or continue. I felt very undeserving, furthering that imposter phenomenon syndrome.

But I can't look at the past as the present. Past has past. The present isn't simply a repetition of the past, but a continuation. So what if I felt burnt out? Everyone has felt it, been there, done that. So what if I hated stress and anxiety? No one is different here. Intellectual disability? Not on my watch, but only my self-negative commentary detector beeps constantly whenever those thoughts come. I have a ways to go with this anxiety, but I feel slightly liberated knowing it took alot to come to where I am, and still despite all the negativities, I can still be proud of myself and encourage in light of depression/anxiety. And the presence of mine enemy. It'll take time, but that's where using fire against fire rings the loudest. My enemy consumes time, I'll need time to fight back. One step at a time.