Today's Psychoanalysis-Orientation

Well, today I went to a new psyD in training for licensure. He's from a recommended center in Pasadena and under supervision of a trained psychologist. The nice thing about these trainees is that they're honest, diligent, and genuine; essentially, they aren't burnt out or see psychoanalysis as routine. I hope he can give me some insight on my issue. I think mostly my anxiety and depression is under control, except sometimes when i revisit my memories of late night studying, i get this fragment of hate, fear, and nausea. Basically, repulsion and distaste for going back to med school. Still, I think it's not just med school, but studying in general. The shadows are still there, but I hope to tackle it soon. Write later.

Revisiting old post

1 I can't learn anything anymore or not at an acceptable pace. (I am too stupid)
2 I don't have control over my understanding of English when under stress.
3 I don't have the creative/critical thinking ability I once wielded.
4 I can't stand studying for so long...trauma here.
5 I don't have the energy or stress management.
6 I might have an actual medical condition that prevents me from being happy.
7 I am not ready for medicine.

Challenging those beliefs:

1 I just learned the classical/lectin/alternative pathway for neutrophil/phagocytic response on pathogens! Pretty gnarly for a person with a learning disability, right?

2 Sure I do understand, when I don't stress too much on the words...

3 Actually I do have creative/critical thinking when I restore my confidence

4 EMDR, Benzo, breathing techniques, exercise...Use the acronym escape, exercise, shout-it-out, call friends, affirmation of faith, prayer, e-help aka internet: blogs, youtube playlists, etc.

5 Develop via yoga, meditation, qigong, taichi, cardio

6 Not really, just anxiety

7 My aunt's words, "Who is??"

Quick Jog of Memory for Medicine Motivation

I want to enter medicine because:

I want to challenge and better myself
I want to be and feel smart
I want to prove that I can overcome adversities even in times of adversity
I love to learn about Biology, and what better field to practice the gems of Biology than in med?
I want to help others through teaching, prescribing medication, and being involved with pt's hx
I want to make a positive difference in people's lives
I want to be exposed to a diverse group of people and know about their days, weeks...lives
I want to share God's love through the art of medicine, hopefully maintaining that view
I can't see myself doing anything better anymore without trying medicine


I've been given a chance to study medicine, I should give it another chance. No backing out now.

Procrastination and Avoidance, thou art mine enemy!

Ugh, as you can see, I haven't been keeping up with entries. So lazy and forgetful to tackle these personal issues. But I have been recovering from anxieties, although I've noticed that my anxiety creeps up immediately when I feel like I've failed to accomplish my tasks or when I push myself to do more. Today, during a break from games of badminton with middle school friends, I had a wondering thought when I noticed one of the badminton players resembled a classmate from my med school. I thought that you know, these med students are from Asia, FOB, more disadvantaged in terms of American cultural exposure than I am, and still they persist in wanting to be a successful and happy physician. I told myself that I'm no better or lesser than they are, so why should I fear failure? They can pass, so can I! And then one of those problems that came, conquered, and left me to wither back in med school showed its ugly face: one thing I have come to admit was, I went through school half disillusioned with studying, not really looking forward to classes, desperately looking at the clock to hit the end class time, seeing school not really a learning place but rather a life hurdle, a test of endurance. There's no doubt I had a want to learn, but that died or clouded over fatigue, stress, disillusionment due to grades. A marathon of studying, like medical school, was probably not something I could/would like to do and/or continue. I felt very undeserving, furthering that imposter phenomenon syndrome.

But I can't look at the past as the present. Past has past. The present isn't simply a repetition of the past, but a continuation. So what if I felt burnt out? Everyone has felt it, been there, done that. So what if I hated stress and anxiety? No one is different here. Intellectual disability? Not on my watch, but only my self-negative commentary detector beeps constantly whenever those thoughts come. I have a ways to go with this anxiety, but I feel slightly liberated knowing it took alot to come to where I am, and still despite all the negativities, I can still be proud of myself and encourage in light of depression/anxiety. And the presence of mine enemy. It'll take time, but that's where using fire against fire rings the loudest. My enemy consumes time, I'll need time to fight back. One step at a time.

Some Discoveries

So instead of countering those statements, I'd like to write about what Jeanny and I discussed over lunch this week. We were having a biblical study, and I suggested book of Jonah because it just seemed right that we revisit a person who also rebelled and felt that he was more in the right when he escaped God's request when secretly, he knew he was in the wrong. When we delved more into  his story, it seems that Jonah's story almost resonated with  mine; I felt that taking a career in medicine was simply too much, that I suddenly lost direction, lost the light, lost the passion and the drive. It almost seemed...wrong. In fact, it felt wrong, like stopping my hand from making an execution because that last second I was hit with a revelation, that the prisoner wasn't guilty of some crime. I think Jonah and I shared that deep rooted fear of being incompetent, rejected, and humiliated. I was on a streak of passing tests, but I suddenly couldn't face this new semester. Jonah had to face this misguided city of Nineveh that under his eyes seems too wicked and lost to be saved. Still, God was able to save the city of Nineveh even after Jonah did all he could and left for the city to rot. God also showed Jonah's flaws in his thinking, by allowing him to take temporary shelter underneath a plant, and later taking the plant away through the work of a hungry worm. This left Jonah exposed to the merciless scorching sun, whose radiating light penetrated Jonah's stubborn shell. Not only was Jonah weakened by the heat and dehydration, but he also felt the overwhelming injustice God put him through by taking away the plant, his shelter, and quite possibly his only friend and physical attachment at the outskirts of Nineveh. Those privations got to Jonah's head, and he couldn't see the "light" and desperately wanted God to end his life. Yet, God pardoned him, and instead decided to point out his impulsiveness by comparing Jonah's love for a small plant against God's love for a city of people who didn't know "left from right". The Book ends there on that note, like a parable of Jesus'. I can relate to Jonah's frustration and impulsive decision for God to end his life. It seems that there was no justice in the world; evil prevails, and innocence portrayed by the sheltering plant stifled. Jonah was blinded by his senses of what is right and wrong. He failed to see God's ultimate goal of saving His people even though these same people caused harm and a lifestyle of sin. Instead of obeying, Jonah rebelled against God's plans and left his duty after trying. It takes that moving away from the scene and Jonah's loss of his plant shelter to help Jonah realize the flaws of human logic and sentiment. Why should Jonah favor one being, the plant, and mourn its loss but not the possible loss of thousands of people in Nineveh had Jonah not traveled there? Why should Jonah not try to save God's sinful people, going without saying that Jonah was also a sinner, by suspending judgment and let God do that job? God was trying to point out the ridiculousness of Jonah's attachment to a plant rather than a city far more precious. Moreover, God showed mercy not just to the people of Nineveh, but also to Jonah, forgiving him for his insolence and unruly behavior. At first glance, it seems Jonah was right in thinking the sinless and helpful plant deserved far more than its destruction while the sinful people of Nineveh escaped God's wrath. Yet, God used the plant to illustrate a faulty comparison; the plant wasn't the main player in the story, it is God who planned to use Jonah to save His people.

I think I was in a similar boat. At first, I, like Jonah, did not believe in myself and feared rejection, humiliation, stupidity. Then when I went ahead and trusted God to help me through, which he did, I felt like the plan to enter medicine was futile, a death trap, something I didn't want, not necessarily what God wanted. I, like Jonah, tried to escape God's plan, but I see futility in my resistance and seeked my friends, like the shipmates, to help me get back on track. I did rest up and did nothing for a few days, similar to how Jonah was in a fish's belly and meditated and praised the Lord for his salvation from a storm. Then when I took some tests and saw the results, I still wasn't completely satisfied, because I was tired, tired from all the studying and its agony entailing it. I wanted God to show me that medicine didn't work out for me, and when I took a neuro quiz I felt I had no control over and passed, I reacted at first with surprise and then resentment. I didn't know why I reacted that way; I thought I was just angry at the randomness of passing something I had no confidence on, but really I was rebelling against God's plan. Fortunately, I asked God to forgive me and helped me to reflect why I had those rebellious feelings, and He did. How funny that my leave of absence and being back at home was like Jonah's second escape from Nineveh, taking shelter under a plant that is only temporary. My being back at home felt like a haven, but it too collapsed as I couldn't find meaning in taking a break. Jonah's temporary plant shelter was destroyed, and my refuge at home lost its attraction and capacity to shelter me from life's (or God's) demands. Both Jonah and I suffered from depression and thought life wasn't worth living, but it took that leave to truly take a moment from all the chaos and analyze the situation and reevaluate our and God's goals. I guess now I really wanted to return to medicine, although with some hesitations due to anxiety, but I feel that I will have more tools and preparation. Most importantly, I know God was and is always there for me, for that I should not have to worry about failure or success.

First Step

Well, I had to step away from school for awhile. I really wanted to continue, but my mind was just entirely against me, like an inner child whose voice was beyond whiny; it was screaming hard into my chest, and I couldn't ignore it any longer. It first started with doubt that I was capable to become a physician, and then it's the stress and anxiety of waking up everyday and fearing tests and labs, and then it progressed to lack of motivation, loss of passion for medicine, and lethargy. Essentially, my anxieties triggered a major depressive episode from which I had to pull myself out after one month. It was difficult, and I still wake up with anxiety and listlessness, but I see some light at the end of the tunnel in a medical career as opposed to being blinded at school with stress and pressures. I think disclosing these issues here and tackling them one on one in print are more effective than verbalizing and thinking about them. I will try to dig deep and pull out my fears and doubts the little boy in me is spewing, and then try to reason each out with rationality and sympathy. Finally, I will summarize and reinforce encouragements as an active process for morale boosting and driving home the message.

Issues at hand:

I can't learn anything anymore or not at an acceptable pace. (I am too stupid)
I don't have control over my understanding of English when under stress.
I don't have the creative/critical thinking ability I once wielded.
I can't stand studying for so long...trauma here.
I don't have the energy or stress management.
I might have an actual medical condition that prevents me from being happy.
I am not ready for medicine.

Anymore issues I'll try to add when I tackle these negative beliefs tomorrow. It's getting late. Need sleep.

Counseling Updates

Therapist revealed that I have faulty thinking, that I can't study well or reason well. That's debunked. Now it's about whether I really want to do this, to sacrifice self and family time for additional study and work. I am shocked that I was scared stiff to actually say no, I want to have my family and self time. I couldn't be a healer if I can't heal myself or be myself. It's a bit disheartening, but after saying that, I find more courage--this happened in the afternoon when I'm more recharged. Mornings are the worst, I am a worry bag or panicky to function properly. Therapist then suggested a morning routine, only to yourself, as the start of day is the most important. So hot shower, Phillip de Franco show, and cook while getting mail may do some good. I hope this can uplift my spirit during the mornings and not fall into depression/anxiety. This medical career is not all lost!!!

Counseling Assignment

I was given the task to reflect how I've changed since the past semester in medical school. Just a stream of consciousness, nothing else. I find that I have pushed myself to know more people, hang out and try new things, and expose my weakness so that others can relate to me. I wanted to improve this fear of talking to new people, and generally I didn't show my fear except when I stutter. But this stuttering is also stemmed from my fear of tripping over a sentence or fear of having making a fool out of myself for saying stupid things, all of which ended with a self fulfilling prophecy. I stutter, I trip over sentences, I forget words and rely on basic vocabulary that a seven year old would have no trouble spewing out. It's very unlike my being confident, not caring about making a mistake, and my vocabulary caliber shows itself as high for my age. I don't know how to evoke that feeling of confidence, but it wanes as I stay around the same people or those who are more fluent in English, almost like they are superior to me, like a boss or manager. I'm secretly scared of being rebuked--and literally rebuked for making mistakes--on language and idioms, which probably stemmed from my fiascos in high school english classes, but I didn't think it would linger for this long. Do people, even chatterboxes, have moments of reticence because of shyness or simply a lack of want to speak? I think so, and I don't think it's very unusual. But I digress, as I'm supposed to talk about how I developed characteristically. I guess I learned to vent, to see that everyone is no different and makes mistakes. I learned that I too am dependent on others, and I am not strong enough to fight alone. I am not alone, but my brain or heart sometimes tells me so. I might have to solve this sooner or later. It is late, and if I want to succeed in maintaining my wish to sleep early, I should end this first post here. Till next entry.