First Step

Well, I had to step away from school for awhile. I really wanted to continue, but my mind was just entirely against me, like an inner child whose voice was beyond whiny; it was screaming hard into my chest, and I couldn't ignore it any longer. It first started with doubt that I was capable to become a physician, and then it's the stress and anxiety of waking up everyday and fearing tests and labs, and then it progressed to lack of motivation, loss of passion for medicine, and lethargy. Essentially, my anxieties triggered a major depressive episode from which I had to pull myself out after one month. It was difficult, and I still wake up with anxiety and listlessness, but I see some light at the end of the tunnel in a medical career as opposed to being blinded at school with stress and pressures. I think disclosing these issues here and tackling them one on one in print are more effective than verbalizing and thinking about them. I will try to dig deep and pull out my fears and doubts the little boy in me is spewing, and then try to reason each out with rationality and sympathy. Finally, I will summarize and reinforce encouragements as an active process for morale boosting and driving home the message.

Issues at hand:

I can't learn anything anymore or not at an acceptable pace. (I am too stupid)
I don't have control over my understanding of English when under stress.
I don't have the creative/critical thinking ability I once wielded.
I can't stand studying for so long...trauma here.
I don't have the energy or stress management.
I might have an actual medical condition that prevents me from being happy.
I am not ready for medicine.

Anymore issues I'll try to add when I tackle these negative beliefs tomorrow. It's getting late. Need sleep.