Some Discoveries

So instead of countering those statements, I'd like to write about what Jeanny and I discussed over lunch this week. We were having a biblical study, and I suggested book of Jonah because it just seemed right that we revisit a person who also rebelled and felt that he was more in the right when he escaped God's request when secretly, he knew he was in the wrong. When we delved more into  his story, it seems that Jonah's story almost resonated with  mine; I felt that taking a career in medicine was simply too much, that I suddenly lost direction, lost the light, lost the passion and the drive. It almost seemed...wrong. In fact, it felt wrong, like stopping my hand from making an execution because that last second I was hit with a revelation, that the prisoner wasn't guilty of some crime. I think Jonah and I shared that deep rooted fear of being incompetent, rejected, and humiliated. I was on a streak of passing tests, but I suddenly couldn't face this new semester. Jonah had to face this misguided city of Nineveh that under his eyes seems too wicked and lost to be saved. Still, God was able to save the city of Nineveh even after Jonah did all he could and left for the city to rot. God also showed Jonah's flaws in his thinking, by allowing him to take temporary shelter underneath a plant, and later taking the plant away through the work of a hungry worm. This left Jonah exposed to the merciless scorching sun, whose radiating light penetrated Jonah's stubborn shell. Not only was Jonah weakened by the heat and dehydration, but he also felt the overwhelming injustice God put him through by taking away the plant, his shelter, and quite possibly his only friend and physical attachment at the outskirts of Nineveh. Those privations got to Jonah's head, and he couldn't see the "light" and desperately wanted God to end his life. Yet, God pardoned him, and instead decided to point out his impulsiveness by comparing Jonah's love for a small plant against God's love for a city of people who didn't know "left from right". The Book ends there on that note, like a parable of Jesus'. I can relate to Jonah's frustration and impulsive decision for God to end his life. It seems that there was no justice in the world; evil prevails, and innocence portrayed by the sheltering plant stifled. Jonah was blinded by his senses of what is right and wrong. He failed to see God's ultimate goal of saving His people even though these same people caused harm and a lifestyle of sin. Instead of obeying, Jonah rebelled against God's plans and left his duty after trying. It takes that moving away from the scene and Jonah's loss of his plant shelter to help Jonah realize the flaws of human logic and sentiment. Why should Jonah favor one being, the plant, and mourn its loss but not the possible loss of thousands of people in Nineveh had Jonah not traveled there? Why should Jonah not try to save God's sinful people, going without saying that Jonah was also a sinner, by suspending judgment and let God do that job? God was trying to point out the ridiculousness of Jonah's attachment to a plant rather than a city far more precious. Moreover, God showed mercy not just to the people of Nineveh, but also to Jonah, forgiving him for his insolence and unruly behavior. At first glance, it seems Jonah was right in thinking the sinless and helpful plant deserved far more than its destruction while the sinful people of Nineveh escaped God's wrath. Yet, God used the plant to illustrate a faulty comparison; the plant wasn't the main player in the story, it is God who planned to use Jonah to save His people.

I think I was in a similar boat. At first, I, like Jonah, did not believe in myself and feared rejection, humiliation, stupidity. Then when I went ahead and trusted God to help me through, which he did, I felt like the plan to enter medicine was futile, a death trap, something I didn't want, not necessarily what God wanted. I, like Jonah, tried to escape God's plan, but I see futility in my resistance and seeked my friends, like the shipmates, to help me get back on track. I did rest up and did nothing for a few days, similar to how Jonah was in a fish's belly and meditated and praised the Lord for his salvation from a storm. Then when I took some tests and saw the results, I still wasn't completely satisfied, because I was tired, tired from all the studying and its agony entailing it. I wanted God to show me that medicine didn't work out for me, and when I took a neuro quiz I felt I had no control over and passed, I reacted at first with surprise and then resentment. I didn't know why I reacted that way; I thought I was just angry at the randomness of passing something I had no confidence on, but really I was rebelling against God's plan. Fortunately, I asked God to forgive me and helped me to reflect why I had those rebellious feelings, and He did. How funny that my leave of absence and being back at home was like Jonah's second escape from Nineveh, taking shelter under a plant that is only temporary. My being back at home felt like a haven, but it too collapsed as I couldn't find meaning in taking a break. Jonah's temporary plant shelter was destroyed, and my refuge at home lost its attraction and capacity to shelter me from life's (or God's) demands. Both Jonah and I suffered from depression and thought life wasn't worth living, but it took that leave to truly take a moment from all the chaos and analyze the situation and reevaluate our and God's goals. I guess now I really wanted to return to medicine, although with some hesitations due to anxiety, but I feel that I will have more tools and preparation. Most importantly, I know God was and is always there for me, for that I should not have to worry about failure or success.